It feels like an Era!

Once again, I’m a bad blogger not posting in months!

I have tried my best not to complain (too) much, I have had 2 pretty easy pregnancies with no major problems so I am very thankful for that.  But to be completely honest, after 2 pregnancies in 2 years I am done, I feel like I’ve been pregnant forever. Yes it is a miracle, it’s wonderful, amazing, and every other word you can use to describe pregnancy but I do feel like I am ready to be done and I am very much looking forward to not being pregnant anymore, ever.  I guess this probably sounds pretty  harsh, especially since there are women out there who would love nothing more than to be able to have a baby.  I do recognize this and understand how selfish I sound for saying it, but I really truly am grateful for my babies!

At my last checkup with the doctor last week, the midwife was chatting with me about how I am adjusting to life here, if I get homesick, all the normal questions when someone finds out I’m a recent transplant.  My reply was one I had never said before, but honestly I think it’s probably the best way I can answer the question right now!  I told her let me not be pregnant for about a year and then I will let you know how I’m feeling. I still think I am doing well, adjusting to life over here but when I think about it, all the wobbles and struggles with being so homesick and feeling so isolated were/are not helped by pregnancy hormones!  I really do love it here, and feel you should be happy with your life wherever it takes you but I have really struggled some days.  I’m hoping now with my 2 little ones I can see how much I really enjoy life here without the influence of crazy hormones!

So tomorrow I will be putting an end to my pregnancy era!  We have waited patiently for baby girl to make her appearance.  I really wanted to give labor an honest try after having Elliot by C-section the first time around, but I am past 41 weeks now and my options for induction are limited because of the previous CS, so I will be having her by C-section tomorrow!  I’m sure I will update as soon as I can once we are home!

How do you rate YOUR self confidence?

So, time for a soul-bearing post.  I’ve just had a visit from a rep for a parent support charity, I was referred to them through my Doctor, then Health Visitor after seeing them about my mood/depression that I’ve been struggling with for mostly the last year.  The main point of the visit was to see what sort of support I might benefit from the most and there was a list of boxes she had to tick, things to talk to me about, etc.  One of the questions was how is my level of confidence.  I had to stop and think about it.  The fact that I couldn’t even answer straight away sortof even shocked me a little.  “Back home” if someone had asked me that question a few years ago i would have said my confidence was quite high.  I had a few little issues but mostly was quite confident and found talking to new people to be very easy.  Over here, it’s a totally different story.  Why?  It shouldn’t be that different really, after all I am the same person, am I not?  England and the U.S. aren’t really THAT different.  So what’s my problem?  Why do I get anxiety about meeting new people here?  Why am I suddenly thrown back to being the geeky kid at a middle school dance, standing in the corner wondering if people will like me?  I’m sure it’s partly because I have not forced myself to get out and involved in the community since I have lived here and it’s one of those things where the longer you leave it the harder it is to do.  Also, there are the worries and wonders if people will be positive or negative about me being American.  That’s a totally stupid thing to worry about, in reality being the foreigner usually is a great conversation starter … so why would I worry that being from a different Country mean we have nothing to talk about or nothing in common, or that they would not like me?  Silly, I know.  So anyway I will be going to the family group that they run each week at the local Children’s Centre and hopefully meet some parents & kids who live very near us and help broaden my world a little.  It will be good for me and Elliot, but since this group seems to be more focused on the parents and the kids just come along to play, I think it’s just what I need right now.

HELLO!?! Mother! I’m HERE!

I could not help but laugh at my boy this morning.  He’s been pretty miserable lately with teething so I’ve overlooked his cuteness at times because I’m tired and fed up but I was in the kitchen doing steamed apples (to freeze for adding to his porridge – yes, I say porridge now not oatmeal, well I still say oatmeal but if I teach myself to say porridge then people here know what I’m talking about) and he came over to the baby gate, stood there for a minute and when I didn’t say anything to him started very clearly SHOUTING, MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM while shaking the living daylights out of the gate and picking up a leg like he was going to try and climb over it. lol, crazy child.  Then after I chatted with him for a few minutes (his replies all MOM MOM MOM in varying pitches and volumes) something came on TV that caught his attention and he turned around, plopped down and totally forgot I was even there.  It just made me laugh🙂

Pink!

How is it that I am a girl, yet I feel lost on where to start when it comes to RAISING a girl?!?  Yep, that’s right – bump is pink, we will be having a little girl in December!  I am excited about it, I think it will be nice to have one of each but at the same time I’m not much of a girly girl so let’s hope shes more into Legos, and Mechano sets than Barbies and Disney Princesses.

Flying!

Time!  That’s what’s flying!  This pregnancy seems to be going so quickly, which I am OK with!  At first I thought it was really going to drag along, compared to last time when it was already half way over by the time I found out, and being our first we were then instantly consumed with preparing for him.  None of that this time as we really only need a few things and to re-do the back bedroom.  There is not the mad rush to get EVERYTHING.  I’m sure having Elliot to chase around all day is helping the time go by more quickly, I still just can hardly believe I am going to be 22 weeks along tomorrow, so in about 4 months time we will have another baby!  Still no word on what new baby Walters will be, I am having another ultrasound on Monday so I hope that we have a more cooperative baby that is not so shy!

And speaking of time flying, Monday is also our second anniversary!  2 years married, slightly less of actually living together, we have a 9 month old and over half way through the second pregnancy!  I sat back and thought about things a couple weeks ago… In the span of roughly 2.5 years time, I will have quit my job, gotten married, moved to another country and had 2 babies.  No flippin’ wonder I feel a little stressed out and overwhelmed sometimes.

Here’s hoping that 2012 will be uneventful aside from the birth of baby!

It’s going to get a bit hectic.

Well, today was the day I have been waiting the last 6ish weeks for.  The first ultrasound for baby Walters number 2!!  I am due December 14th – so with not even a 14 month gap, life is going to be crazy crazy in this house next year!  We are nothing but excited though.  Ok, a healthy dose of fear mixed in too, but all will work out!

We got to see little bean’s heart beat today and all is well and as it should be for 10weeks +6days.  I am quite shocked actually at the accuracy of the Clear Blue Digital tests I took that dated the pregnancy around 5 weeks at the time – it had me guessing my due date was around the 15th, so it was spot on!

Baby was too small for the tests that I had scheduled for today (I could have been up to 13 weeks but obviously those dates were unreliable!) so I have to go back in 2 weeks time for another ultrasound which I do not mind at all!  Baby should be big enough then that we will actually be able to see more, but we could actually see quite a bit this time, you could tell where head was and see little heart beating and tell there were 4 limbs, just so tiny… 40mm in length so no wonder it doesn’t show up very well on a scan yet!  Can’t wait for June 7!

It was a huge difference from the first scan with Elliot though, holy cow!  With him, as soon as they put the wand to my belly is was like “OH, HELLO BABY!!”   But he was already 21 weeks along, so he was much much bigger!  Interesting to actually get to see this one while so tiny and experience pregnancy from the beginning this time lol!  You mean I actually have to wait 9 months to have this baby?!?  :(

Well, in other news – we stopped in at baby clinic this morning on the way to the hospital and had Elliot weighed.  He tipped the scale ad 22lb 6oz and had jumped up from his 91st percentile line to the 98th.  It’s not really a big deal, just time to cut back on the milk a bit more than we had been doing but they were happy with him and how he is doing.  He definitely loves his food!  Which is good, just Mom needs to give him less milk now!🙂

So anyways, that’s the latest news from the Walters household.  Exciting times indeed!

It’s not best for everyone!

I am soooooo tired of the “Breast is Best” campaign.  Not that I don’t agree with breastfeeding… I do believe in a perfect world it is best for Mother and Baby, but this is not a perfect world.  Women should not be pressured into breastfeeding or made to feel a horrible failure when they choose not to BF or can’t for whatever reason.  Formula is not poison.  I have a formula fed baby who is thriving.  I do not feel that I have less of a bond with him because he is formula fed.  But I did struggle horribly with the decision to stop trying to breastfeed him.  I’m sure now it was mostly the hormones.  Normal Amy would have been much more rational about it all and saw the logic in the reasons to stop.  Hormonal Amy only felt the failure and misery, I had been told all through pregnancy that “Breast was Best” taught how to BF in classes like it was so simple so it’s no wonder I felt like a horrible failure.  The truth is, my reasons to stop were good ones and I gave it my best effort.  I can now see that.  I wish that I had not lost weeks of my life and precious time with my newborn feeling depressed and worthless about it.  If there is a next time around, we will try again but I will NOT tear myself up if we cannot continue.

I guess the source of this rant is a recent program on TV over here which explored the topic – I did not watch it (forgot really) but the baby forums lit up with debate over the topic and it has always bothered me a little.  I REALLY DO agree with the BF education, there are a surprising number of women who never even for one second considered it until they were told more about it, and I do think everyone should try but I really hate the stigma that seems to be placed by some women and health care workers alike on women who either chose not to or could not BF.  It is a personal choice and one that can only be made by Mom to do what is best for her baby and herself.  There is nothing wrong with formula, babies thrive on it every day!

Let’s all just chill out and be happy that formula fed babies are being fed, clothed and loved in the first place and focus our energy helping the babies that are not being fed, clothed and loved… mmmmmKAY?